This week was an interesting (and perilous) one for our dear friend Robert Pattinson. Conveniently, I have some thoughts about the events that occurred:
First up we have some psycho fans mobbing him on the streets of New York while he’s trying to film his new movie. I really don’t even know where to begin with this. Let me start by saying that if I ever see one of those girls on the street I will have no choice but to punch them in the face. (And don’t think I won’t remember you, because I will. I have memorized all y’alls stupid faces.) SERIOUSLY!?!?! WHAT. THE. HELL??? I’m just trying to understand what they expected to accomplish during this mobbing. Do they believe that as they’re being pinched and pulled away that he will suddenly look into their eyes and immediately stop being super uncomfortable and scared for his life? That he’ll yell to his bodyguards, “Stop everything! I simply must get to know this beautiful woman who just attacked me! I think I might be falling in love with her!” Weirdos. You make me sick.
Then later in the week at yet another mobbing incident, he gets hit by a car!! An NYC cab, to be exact. Oh, poor Rob, look at what your life has become. And yes, I know that Summit put out a statement that this had nothing to do his fans, but I don’t really buy that. If it didn’t have anything to do with fans, than why wouldn’t his bodyguards realize that he was crossing the street without looking both ways first? Isn’t it their job to keep him safe? Listen bodyguards, that’s not just limited to squealing teenagers, that applies to oncoming traffic as well. He’s British, he’s used to looking the opposite direction for cars! He can’t possibly cross an intersection on his own, he needs your help! Do your job!
Perhaps now would be a good time to propose my recent idea. (I’m quite proud of it.) The events of this week got me thinking…why are these bodyguards doing such a crap job of protecting poor little Rob? I saw the pictures, they’re big strong men, what’s wrong with them? I think I’ve figured it out though, the problem we have here is lack of dedication. They don’t really care about Rob at all. They’re just hired muscle trying to get through the day, slacking on the job just like everybody else. I’m willing to bet that none of them a) have ever read Twilight OR b) think that Rob is super-dreamy. They probably just resent him for make their job so difficult.
So I propose that we get some new bodyguards. Ones who actually care deeply about his well-being and safety. Ones who would not hesitate to elbow any girl in the neck who tries to come near him. Ones who would grab him from behind and hold him close if he happens to step out into the street too early. (Oh, and PS, I’m nominating myself for this position.) I may not have big muscles (or any muscles at all) but I’m pretty sure I could do a better job than the goons he has now. I’m not sure that I could do it by myself though, anyone want to join me?? He needs people who, if given the chance, would experience an adrenaline rush (I know, I know. Fine…”You can Google it.” Happy now?) and take these girls OUT! Who’s with me???
Lastly, (and most importantly I think) we saw…ROB IN SHORTS!! Not since Goblet of Fire have we seen him in anything but skinny jeans and suits, so I found this to be a nice change of pace. I’ll ignore the fact that he’s wearing long-sleeved flannel on a beach and just say that I approve of those skinny, white legs of his. I look forward to the day when some skank-bag has attached herself to those legs, and I will pull her off by her hair, kicking her while she’s down shouting, “HE’S A HUMAN BEING!!!”
That’s all for now friends, thanks again for visiting!
P.S. I do not actually think Rob’s bodyguards are doing a crap job and I appreciate their presence in his life.