As you may have heard, I went camping last weekend over on the Olympic Peninsula (yes, THAT Olympic Peninsula.) As I was heading home, waiting in the 2-hour ferry line, I couldn’t help but wonder if our dear friend Robert Pattinson has ever enjoyed a bit of camping himself? I couldn’t really picture it, but then I realized I can’t really picture anyone British camping. Why is that? Do British people camp?
Anyways, I thought I would invite Rob to come camping with me. And what better way to invite him than through a letter?? So this is going to be a tribute to my absolute FAVORITE Twilight-related (or anything-related, actually) website, Letters To Rob. Wait, everyone knows the greatness of LTR, right?!?! And Letters To Twilight? Well if you don’t, stop right where you are, go check out their sites (http://letterstorob.wordpress.com/ and http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com/) and enjoy the amazingness of two hilarious girls that I admire so, so much. Seriously, they kill me every day. (But please come back once you’re done over there, they have a LOT more readers than I do and I can’t afford to lose any of you three.) Okay, had your fill of LTR for today? Well welcome back, and now please enjoy my letter to Rob/tribute to Moon and UC/camping invitation:
Do you want to come camping with me sometime? Do you even like camping? Have you ever been camping before? Camping tends to be one of those recreational activities that people either love or hate. So let’s look at some facts before you answer.
The biggest issue people who don’t like camping have with camping is that they don’t like getting dirty. Showers are sometimes not ideal or even nonexistent. The majority of the time your body is covered in a thin layer of dirt, bug spray, sunscreen, and possibly sweat too, depending on how active your camping activities are. Camping clothes are also dirty. They ALL smell of campfire smoke, somehow, inexplicably, even the ones you just pulled out of your duffel bag that you haven’t even worn yet. But I think we all agree that none of this would be a problem for you. You’re a dirty boy, we all know it. I promise I will never ask you any questions about how often you wash your hair, but I do figure it’s a safe bet that you wouldn’t mind this part of camping. No showers and dirty clothes? Check and check. Done and done.
As I mentioned above, there are a variety of activities that you can participate in while camping. Some of these activities include: Sitting around doing nothing. (I think you could probably handle that.) Reading. (Check.) Drinking beers. (Double-check. I’ll make sure there’s a cooler full of Heineken just for you.) Playing guitar by the fire. (Well, if you insist…what’s that? You want to sing as well? Go right ahead, Rob. Go right ahead.) Walking through the woods. (Who wouldn’t enjoy a leisurely walk through the woods?) Mountain biking through the woods. (Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there. That might be problem, I think. Don’t worry, that activity is optional. You can stay behind and guard the campsite from crows.) There are also some activities involving you and me in a tent, but we can discuss those later.
I think that camping would be a good way for you to escape the creepy paparazzi and all of your adoring fans. Although the campground I was at was FULL of the most annoying preteen girls, so we may have to go somewhere a little more secluded. Which I’m okay with, by the way. (Author’s note to preteen girls: No offense, I don’t hate all of you, only the ones at my campground. Seriously, why do you need to spend 18+ hours in the bathroom? That’s not a cool place to hang out, ladies. It’s gross in there. Did you see the floor? Now get your crap out of the sink so I can wash my hands.) A few days in the secluded wilderness would do you some good, wouldn’t you agree? I think so.
Now camping food alone is reason enough to come along. Hobo dinners are just about the best meal on the planet, I promise. And you will die when you take that first bite into the Smoreo that I make for you. (Author’s note to anyone who has never had a Smoreo: Stop reading right now and head directly to your nearest campfire. On your way, grab some marshmallows and double-stuffed Oreos and then create some deliciousness like you have never experienced before. Then come back here and thank me profusely for changing your life forever.)
If you’re not quite convinced, just take a moment to close your eyes, picture yourself sitting in a nice comfy chair with a bottle in one hand, a Smoreo in the other, the warm fire crackling, stars up above you, and the sounds of Van Morrison playing softly (And I mean softly. Quiet hours start at ten.) in the background. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Thought so. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning. Don’t worry about bringing a sleeping bag, I’ll bring one for the both of us. Um, I mean I’ll bring one for each of us. Wait, what?
The Reluctant Twilighter